Oathkeeper: An open letter

Hi… How are you lately? Hope that you’re doing fine. I’m just writing this letter out of my whim. I know that there will be a big chance that you won’t read this, since you don’t know about my blog site, but I just like to write these things, before they build up.

We’ve known each other again since last December. It’s a shame that contacted you after Christmas, but it’s worthwhile. Our 1st date tells it all… Although there were some screw-ups to our appointment, we were able to pull it off with no problems. I was very down at that time, and I’m also scared that things won’t work out for us… but it was the opposite. For me, it was the best Christmas present at that time.

We went out a couple of time as this year started. To be frank, it was not that I had expected, but it was anticipated. You have your studies, and I have my work – so it’s already a miracle that we were able to find time… for each other. I got confused at that time. I already have a bad experience in falling for my close friend, but nevertheless, I cannot allow the same mistake that I’ve committed. But I want to be honest. So far, she is the only person that I haven’t lied yet, at all – and I want to keep things that way. So, even if I was dead scared, I told her everything…

I already anticipated the consequences, and everything happened, as predicted. I went on weeks, trying to comprehend what have happened. Normally, I do accept things and events once I am able to grasp it, but the usual routine is not going as it should be. I tried to deviate – kill things with work and other stuff, but it just makes things worse. I dunno what to do at that time… But things went out fine, even though I cannot tag it with an adjective called “eventually”.

But anyway…

As we have said, our behavior’s always been the same, from our likes to mood swings. If I would think of things in a logical way, the reason why I liked you is because you’re the only person I know who can understand me, and maybe I do have the right to say that I can anticipate the next thing that you will do. Ive been there once – being selfish, but unbreakable. But there will come a time that even how strong a person is, he or she cannot make it alone in this world. You were right when you told me that I am still surprised will all of the new things that is happening to me. But sooner or later, you will experience this same kind of struggle that I am going through. But I want to make sure that I’m there to support you, and to take care of you.

Strength is a good thing, but ignoring your weaknesses can be another. I do appreciate it when you come to me when you feel lonely and feeling sentimental. But those manifestations have some meaning… You need those. I know that you have really big issues when it comes to trusting people, But please believe me when I say that I have faith in you – in your field of interest, in whatever you do… I will always stand on what you stand into. Just do your thing, and I will be the one to keep your innermost fears and secrets.

I just want to say that what I am doing is not easy… If you are scared, I am twice as scared. I know that what we are going through is somewhat changing some aspect of our personality. The greatest virtue that I like in you is the fact that you keep an open mind. But in this process, try to open up your heart as well. I know that this is the hardest part of this process,  but I need your help on it… I know that we always lack time and opportunity to be together – our fields of interest are light years away. But just hang on there… I’ll do something about it. You have never been a burden for me. For me, when you seek for help, for comfort, for company – it is the exact opposite of what you think.

Finally, let me just take this opportunity to tell you something, even though there is a small chance that you can read this. You’re my last hope, and you would be the last person that I will love for all that I am… And I will stay with you. If you would leave me, I’ll follow you, till the bitter end – from the highest skies of heaven, to the deepest trenches of hell.  I don’t give a damn if this goes to a one-way relationship. You can hate me, despise me, reject me, but I don’t care – I will love you anyway.

Maybe no life has equal trade. Maybe you can give up all you’ve got, and get nothing back. But still, even if I can’t prove it’s true, I still have to try, for your sake, Heide.

Besides, I took an oath… To love myself, as much as I love you…

~ by raijeki on May 28, 2008.