Learning some lessons

With a rejuvenated outlook in life and fired up to do things in life, I was backed up by some lessons to apply in my routines:

Work – training sessions are ramping up in the office. At first, we looked to it as some less time from those dreaded phone; but it turned out to be something else. Yes, its about the numbers that gauge you if you’re better at work or not. But we already forgot what was the main essence of our line of work – giving a sincere effort to help others, and having fun at work. We were clamoring to have this, and that, but we already have it all – and if we lose our office here in manila, it will definitely create a huge impact in the call center industry here in the Philippines.

Hobbies – I’ve been a total bum for the last 2 years, and it’s time for some make over. I believe Heide would be happy to see me at that perspective… So a less-psp and more-physical routine would do for a start.. heeheehee…

The mushy part – It’s been a while since I’ve been to Jenn’s place. A catch-up talk didn’t gave me regrets to be late at work. But there was something else…

Jenn and her BF are having a simple dispute – the usual stuff. Ya know, her behavior that she’s not much communicating and stuff makes him go OA. But seeing how she reaction makes me think if this is the same reaction that Heide emulates. Well, one thing for sure, I won’t do that again…

I also checked my horoscope, and it goes like this:

“Timing is everything when it comes to any kind of relationship — so you need to stop trying to rush things! Whether you’re eager to hear about a job prospect, dying for the cutie to call, or impatient about when your sweetie will propose, you have to realize that you don’t have any influence in this situation. Your hopes and wishes, no matter how strong they are, cannot force someone to do something that they don’t want to do or aren’t ready to do. Relax and focus on something else.”

Well, seems to be that the earth and the stars are really giving me a lesson…

Don’t worry, I learn from my mistakes… I’m just stubborn most of the time…
I guess lessons really doesn’t end in the classroom or training rooms

Oathkeeper: An open letter

Hi… How are you lately? Hope that you’re doing fine. I’m just writing this letter out of my whim. I know that there will be a big chance that you won’t read this, since you don’t know about my blog site, but I just like to write these things, before they build up.

We’ve known each other again since last December. It’s a shame that contacted you after Christmas, but it’s worthwhile. Our 1st date tells it all… Although there were some screw-ups to our appointment, we were able to pull it off with no problems. I was very down at that time, and I’m also scared that things won’t work out for us… but it was the opposite. For me, it was the best Christmas present at that time.

We went out a couple of time as this year started. To be frank, it was not that I had expected, but it was anticipated. You have your studies, and I have my work – so it’s already a miracle that we were able to find time… for each other. I got confused at that time. I already have a bad experience in falling for my close friend, but nevertheless, I cannot allow the same mistake that I’ve committed. But I want to be honest. So far, she is the only person that I haven’t lied yet, at all – and I want to keep things that way. So, even if I was dead scared, I told her everything…

I already anticipated the consequences, and everything happened, as predicted. I went on weeks, trying to comprehend what have happened. Normally, I do accept things and events once I am able to grasp it, but the usual routine is not going as it should be. I tried to deviate – kill things with work and other stuff, but it just makes things worse. I dunno what to do at that time… But things went out fine, even though I cannot tag it with an adjective called “eventually”.

But anyway…

As we have said, our behavior’s always been the same, from our likes to mood swings. If I would think of things in a logical way, the reason why I liked you is because you’re the only person I know who can understand me, and maybe I do have the right to say that I can anticipate the next thing that you will do. Ive been there once – being selfish, but unbreakable. But there will come a time that even how strong a person is, he or she cannot make it alone in this world. You were right when you told me that I am still surprised will all of the new things that is happening to me. But sooner or later, you will experience this same kind of struggle that I am going through. But I want to make sure that I’m there to support you, and to take care of you.

Strength is a good thing, but ignoring your weaknesses can be another. I do appreciate it when you come to me when you feel lonely and feeling sentimental. But those manifestations have some meaning… You need those. I know that you have really big issues when it comes to trusting people, But please believe me when I say that I have faith in you – in your field of interest, in whatever you do… I will always stand on what you stand into. Just do your thing, and I will be the one to keep your innermost fears and secrets.

I just want to say that what I am doing is not easy… If you are scared, I am twice as scared. I know that what we are going through is somewhat changing some aspect of our personality. The greatest virtue that I like in you is the fact that you keep an open mind. But in this process, try to open up your heart as well. I know that this is the hardest part of this process,  but I need your help on it… I know that we always lack time and opportunity to be together – our fields of interest are light years away. But just hang on there… I’ll do something about it. You have never been a burden for me. For me, when you seek for help, for comfort, for company – it is the exact opposite of what you think.

Finally, let me just take this opportunity to tell you something, even though there is a small chance that you can read this. You’re my last hope, and you would be the last person that I will love for all that I am… And I will stay with you. If you would leave me, I’ll follow you, till the bitter end – from the highest skies of heaven, to the deepest trenches of hell.  I don’t give a damn if this goes to a one-way relationship. You can hate me, despise me, reject me, but I don’t care – I will love you anyway.

Maybe no life has equal trade. Maybe you can give up all you’ve got, and get nothing back. But still, even if I can’t prove it’s true, I still have to try, for your sake, Heide.

Besides, I took an oath… To love myself, as much as I love you…

A courageous act

Aside from taking client calls, I also present sudden EOD reports to our Upper-Ops and managers almost everyday… Without fear, without tension…

At first, It gives me the deepest chills, but on the long run, its more like chatting with my officemates and stuff like that, even if they only give me 3-5 minutes to absorb the reports and present them in an impromptu manner…

Now, I can last for like 1-2 hours, just battling comments and problems from my bosses, and leave the meeting room with no problems… No worries…

Today, I was able to withstand viewing a friendster profile for about 5 seconds… I was just checking if I was still her featured friend…Yes I was still there…

To my hypocritic mind, its either that the profile was so fully ramped up, but forgot to manager small details… coincidentally, it as me…

But for my other side, there is a possibility that there is something left… And that is something that I need to cultivate…

But no, not yet…

_________________________________

“Life is all about timing… the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable… attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It’s all about timing.”

Backtrack – Starting the new year right..?

It always makes me wonder right now about the things that are happening days ago, because they are really more than too good to be true…

Well, its a known fact that the Call Center industry does not have holidays, even Christmas – not because they’re sadists, but the terms of support that we did promised. Yes, me might be paid extravagantly for it, but you cannot pay for the times that you’re with your family and friends and just having fun and celebrating Christmas. Well, last year was a mortifying one since I have to work on that day, but this year is different. We are on a 4×11 workweek, and it is such a pain – physically and mentally. Out stats are kinda suffering due to the nature of the schedule, but we received something great. It was planned that we will change schedules by Dec. 23, but they extended it to January 7, 2008 – which is very nice. WHY? Our rest days are Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Saturdays – its just that Christmas last 07 is on a Tuesday. YEY! It was fun celebrating Christmas this year – with my relatives, family and my favorite cousins, it was a day like no other. I even decided to stay on their place for the rest of my rest days. For me, I was already blessed for that note, not to mention that I’ll be able to celebrate the New Year as well, but there was another thing that was waiting for me…

I was in Puerto Galera like 3 weeks ago, and because of some breath of boredom, I texted RD to get a phone number of an old friend. It was quite unpleasant at first since she doesn’t reply that fast, but we got an arrangement to meet before the holidays end. At that day, it was quite a drag but when we saw each other, I felt something that I haven’t felt for years. I had fun that night, not to mention that I was awake for more than 24 hours already,but it was indeed… Warm…

I tried to sort things out for a while… I’m already concerned about this, so I need to tell her… I need to see her again. We arranged for that, she was having a drag back at Law School, so I just went along with her all throughout the day. I just said to myself that maybe I’ll have another chance… So much for a judgment call.

One night, she was breaking down. I know she was – but coincidentally, I’m also at the same state as well.  it was not as planned, but I spitted my mind out of it. Ever since that day, it seems that things changed. I became more disoriented at everything, but somehow my logic indicates that it’s been about 2 weeks since I last seen her. She was getting busy at Law School – I know that, I’m well aware of that… But reasoning rendered no good. I was texting things that I know are shocking to her, and maybe the reason that she didn’t contacted me for a while… In fact, up till now…

I do know and sense that whenever I experience something nice, a bad or worse event happens next – not exactly in regards to the previous events, just something in random.

In her last text, she told me that she felt betrayed… I also felt betrayed as well, that I’ve betrayed myself. And i know that she’s currently busy, the fact that the semester would come to an end by this month. I’m trying to focus myself on other things, but it will all go down the drain by April.

From the start, I already have a weak heart… A little push would go to its climax…

Can you forgive me… Heidi..?

Meister

[ The word meister originally means "master" in German ]

Running almost at 1 month in the Wireless queue, things sure are lighter. Even though rumors indicate that we will be transferred to the XPS Dept., I think we are perfect here – no hassles, not much stress, and we’re doing our job as well as possible. But there’s something missing…

After my shift yesterday, I actually went on under time, and sprinted to Magallanes. Why? Jenn needs help in terms of their project, wherein they need to product a short film o_O;. Wow, speaking of a project huh… Anyway, I was already expecting that things would get delayed, but unfortunately, things got a little way too delayed. I was thinking that I can go home by 4-5pm.. I was home – at about 10:30pm, 3 hours before work. End result? No sleep, literally.

At work, I was almost at the verge of sleeping while walking and almost nothing is going into my head. It’s a good thing that I was able to pull off the day, with a couple of meetings to compensate, because it would be hard for me to work at that state. When I came home the day after, I got knocked off bed, since I know that my body is already at it limits.

At my mind, I always ask myself “why bother in doing all of these? Charity work is already dead nowadays”. To put myself to the limits for something… Useless, and indeed a waste of time… But still… She needs my help… At least, even for the slightest reason or just out of her own whim… She needed me…

Actually, it reminded me of my true intentions…

To erase all emotions… After all, she is not hurt in this instance…

But for Heidi… A thing that I can’t forgive myself of…
She got hurt… She felt betrayed…
If only I can talk to her now… and say sorry…
Is it too late..?

A journey for her thoughts

Our company just opened its newest queue in our arsenal of providing technical support to our customers – the wireless queue, where we troubleshoot the upcoming technology in terms of connectivity, wireless – no wires, just go almost anywhere. We are all in the dark right now, but things are so far, so good. Almost everything is still in the process of calibration, and that means daily calibration – we conduct 1 hour meetings everyday just to adjustthings out.

It was a hectic week, but at the end of work, that’s where it hits me the most…

Ne-Yo – Because of you

Want to but I can’t help it.
I love the way it feels.
This got me stuck between my fantasy and what is real.
I need it when I want it.
I want it when I don’t.
Tell myself I’d stop everyday,
Knowing that I won’t

I’ve got a problem and I.. (don’t know what to do about it)
Even if I did, I don’t know if I would quit
But I doubt it. I’m,
Taken by the thought of it..

And I know this much is true
Baby, you have become my addiction.
I’m so strung out on you
I can barely move…but I like it,

[Chorus]
And, then it’s all because of you (all because of you)
So, then it’s all because of you (all because of you)
And it’s all because of you (all because of you)
So, then it’s all because…
Never get enough,
She’s the sweetest drug.

Think of it every second,
I can’t get nothing done.
Only concern is the next time, I’m ‘gon get me some.
Know I should stay away from,
Cause it’s no good for me.
I try and try but my obsession, won’t let me leave.

I’ve got a problem and I (don’t know what to do about it)
Even if I did I don’t know if I would quit
But I doubt it. I’m
Taken by the thought of it.
And I know this much is true,
Baby, you have become my addiction.
I’m so strung out on you, (strung out on you..)
I can barely move…but I like it, (but I like it..)

[Chorus]
And, then it’s all because of you (all because of you) So, then it’s all because of you (all because of you)
And it’s all because of you (all because of you)
So, then it’s all because…
Never get enough (Never get enough..)
She’s the sweetest drug.

[Hook #2]
Ain’t no doubt…. (no doubt heayh)
So strung out. (Strung out heeayh)
Ain’t no doubt….
So strung out. (heahheh!)
Over you,
Over you,(yooouuu)
Over you(yooouuu)…

[Harmonics]
(Mmouhh)

(Because of you)
(And it’s all because of you)
(mm)
(Never get enough)
(She’s the sweetest drug)

And I know this much is true Baby, you have become my addiction
I’m so strung out on you,
I can barely move…but I like it

And, then it’s all because of you (all because of you)
So, then it’s all because of you (all because of you)
And it’s all because of you (all because of you)
So, then it’s all because…
Never get enough

She’s the sweetest drug.
She’s the sweetest drug…

I miss you a lot…

Supernova

Well, you can categorize me now as a worrying person, or a paranoid, or worse, just a person wanting to have attention…

Work, rest – work, rest… That’s what’s happening to my life now. Well, the only thing that I cannot do is slack off from work…

Lately, I just got my evaluation papers – the key if I will be a regular, or not. I did got a upward trend in terms of my stats at work, but still – someone only looks at numbers. A little inconsistency at my other numbers, and they are already clamoring to put me on D-SAT – meaning “dissatisfactory”.

I put passion at work, and the last thing that I would’nt want is lack of trust. I put my life on my boss’s hands if I see that they’re worth it, even if I would need to drag myself at work. But the feedback lately is just disheartening. Jenjen is always reminding me of putting my health first before my work, but I just can’t – I simply can’t.

But – I do have made my conviction. In the last meeting that my team had conducted, told ‘em that “dedication goes beyond numbers”, a phrase that I will do and keep. Besides, this is my Oath… To my family, to the ones I love – and that includes my Mimi…

Which reminds me…

I do know that Mimi is enjoying her college life right now… Which is good, very good. But there is something that disturbs me at the back of my heart. Something that can be prevented… But I just can’t figure out what it is. It is not about her suitors, and I know this time that I ain’t paranoid about this…

I’ve been to two places that I thought Mimi ould be there: first is the Megamall event where I took a glimpse of the world she wants to be in – Bright Lights, everyone flaunting their best. At that rate, even a small inconsistency would mean a major choke – maybe the same fundamentals of my field. Yet she is already chipping her life off those activities…

The question is: If she is aleady chipping her life at that kind of environment, and the fundamentals are just the same – then what is left of my life then now..?

“When light becomes brighter, your shadow becomes greater as well…”

- Ansem

No…

I already took an oath to protect everyone I love, at the expense of all of my sacrifices. I am willing to deny happiness from myself, for the sake of the ones I love. I don’t want them to experience the agony and pain of chipping away their life…

But… this is part of life…

So far, even for some time, I have felt something that restores your life, regenerates it. something called LOVE… Yes, something that I can give to them… even if… I’m craving for it…

Is this part of the “payment” of the sins that I’ve done..?

Well, I don’t care…

I don’t care… No limits, no boundaries… I guess THIS is what it means to defend…

Take care of yourself Mimi… I am with you… ALL of you… You are my weapon…

When a star shines bright – Assessing my Mimi

Stars start small… By being a small cloud of heat, and it expands, burns hydrogen, and turns into enormous sizes. Indeed, they are works of wonders. I know a person that does not only likes stars, but puts it as her philosophy. And I think that would be my cousin…

She started things the usual way… Playing around. While her brother and I are busy finishing Megaman sequels, she was busy playing with her neighbors. And I tell you, for me that time, she does not quite exist. Years come along, and so far, she is trying to make herself busy in her ballet classes.

When she stepped into her initial high school years, she is having a hard time on something that makes her feel bored – reading. But her frustration and conviction to achieve transmuted her weakness into one of her greatest strengths. And that initiative just transformed her into someone else.

Well, her beauty is something that is very obvious. Now that it is combined with her radical intellect, it is a force to reckon with. A thing that makes her friends like her more, and makes her enemies hate her more – No wonder that she is getting hate sites.

Her energy is the factor that puts her beauty and brains to almost-perfect synchronization.

Well, it would be a shame to think that I’ve only started to really discover and learn of her at her high school years. I’ve been doing sleep-overs, but i never expected that these things can happen. As her “overprotective” cousin, it is my job to protect her from external factors, especially the things that make her go astray – but to tell you quite frankly, it doesn’t make sense…

Intellect – she is NOT your ordinary girl – that’s for sure. Yes, she does the usual stuff, but she has the “expansion pack”. Nowadays, my overprotective nature is no longer needed – its like I already know the next thing that she would do; hence, I do not have to worry at all.

Guts – I really thought that she was the stereotyped metro girl that only wants gimmick, gimmick and more gimmick. But hey, she is in a different caliber. She now has a different outlook in life, especially since she was quite a bookworm lately. And I got to say, she does have the “Lee Factor”.

Looks – WTF?? Do we really need to discuss this? Suitor volume is a thing that I’m worried about AT ALL. Besides, it will be hard to crack this dude (even if you can pull that off, you WILL go through me! bwahahahahaha!! )

Now after all this mumbo-jumbo, why do I still worry about my Mimi? Well, beats me…

As far as I know, when Mimi tells me her prob, that means she can’t take it anymore. So if ever it would be about a “boylet”, consider the person DEAD (just joking! ^^). Her college days are quite hectic for her, since she wants to prove something. Just go for it, Mimi. At this kind of situation, I would like to thank her – cuz now, I do not need to worry more about her, but to worry about the person that I almost forgot.. Myself…

Maybe its just the fear…

A day before her debut, I slept over at my cousin’s crib. Pong’s slow PC was giving a hard time thinking of how to make it faster.  But actually, I want to share Mimi a story…

Back at my high school days, I stumbled to a girl that I really liked. almost flawless in all factors. And for me to have numerous chances to mingle with her, it was a blessing – I don’t care if it’s just coincidence, just let the good times roll! We would have like an average talk time of about 4-5 hours over the phone, going out almost twice a month (even if I was low in funds, she was a practical girl, so no probs or hassles at all). And to think that went on for about 2 years. for me , it was one of the best times of my life. And to think of it, she has the same aura as my Mimi today.

Going to our college days, she took HRM at a university in Manila.  Even though we’re having a hard time, we still manage to see each other. I was enjoying college that time, and in the process, I was starting to lose communication with her. Until one day…

I left my phone at home, and the Girl at her OJT location, was getting bored. She tried to call me at my say hi.  By older bro picked up the phone, and thought it was someone else, so he played rude to her. When I came home, I saw her text, telling me that my bro acted rude to her. I told her that I’m sorry (in behalf of my bro). It was the last time that I got a word from her.

Months passed, and I’m not getting a word from her. I tried to call or text her at both her landline and  cellphone, but it was either she’s at school or not answering it. Getting quite pissed, I just went on with my college life. But there were days that I would really miss her.

Since I know most her friends, I was hearing rumors that she now has a BF (WTF?!?). It was hard accepting it, but in the end, it was fine for me. But as months pass by, I’m hearing rumors that she was doing “unlikely things” – and to sum it up, she does it with her BF. I was kinda confident that it was not true. The fact that I’ve known her for years, I know that she was not that kind of a person. But the last rumor was a low blow – she was preggy, as they say.  For me, it was good as a slap in the face. I did ignored it, thinking that she will never do that.

But everything crumbled last year…

It was my friend’s dad’s funeral. I was there with the other peeps, doing the usual stuff. Then from afar, I saw a familiar face – carrying a baby. My heart started pumping hard. She came near me and my friend, saying “Hi Guys! By the way, this is my baby”. At the time, I realized that she word “shocked” is true. My other friend was only capable of reacting after 5 seconds. “A sick joke”, a statement that was imprinted into my mind. Until moments later, I was able to talk to her mother, and she told me the old story. The usual story of what happens when college girls go astray. And from what I’ve heard, she wasn’t able to finish her college.

My mind got distorted for months. I was thinking of what went wrong. Then I remember the “phone call” incident. If only I was not preoccupied that time, I was able to turn the tables. It was my fault. You may think that it’s not, but for me it is, since I was learning on how to love her.

“Even a bright star may explode all of a sudden, causing a supernova”…

I know and aware that I’m over-reacting, thinking that this will never happen to my Mimi. But if that DOES happen, I’ll be damned. You may get mad at me for doing this, but I just wanna make sure. You do not need to under stand – just trust me…

Mimi, goodluck to life… *mwah!*

Raindrops

Its been almost 2 weeks, and precipitation is kinda consistent. That’s 2 weeks and 2 storms (right now, we’re at the 2nd) and one outcome: hassle.

Traffic – When it rains, it pours, especially for traffic flow. Before going to work, I decided to leave home 2 2/2 hours before my shift. And the good thing is, I got to the office 20 minutes before my shift starts. Traffic was WAY heavy.

Workload – Well, I as stepped on the office doors, I’m hearing about rumors about having no work for today – that’s right, NO WORK. We did anticipated that for sometime, until it was confirmed – BUSINESS AS USUAL. Phooey! And I thought that I would get some breather.

Alternatives – Well, for starters, recreation here in the office is quite amusing – PS2. After playing Kingdom Hearts II, I think it would be lacking if I would not play KH I. So while I am waiting for my bro, I play it for an hour or two. It proves to be a good way to kill time.

It proves that my current shift is a pain in the neck, but the good news is we’ll be changing times by next week. Well, today’s the last day of it, so I’ll just endure a little bit more.

All of the tediousness here at work really sucks my sanity away. And yesterday, I was almost about to freak out. I know that the week is almost done, and everything is at its limits – stress and other stuff. I know that I am still aware of my actions until I saw a view that was quite… familiar… Before we transferred desks by this week, we can still see the newbies that undergo the transition towards the production floor. Among the crowd, I noticed a person that looks like “dude”… Well, I did paused for a moment, and prayed deep within and hope that she’s ok, wherever she is now…

It can be the case that I maybe worrying too much about others, that I do not accommodate a common person – myself. Well, these are the feelings of a person, staring at strong raindrops at the peak of typhoons. I do not know if these feelings would be sent, but it doesn’t matter now…

Hmmm…

Conduit

Wow – first week at production is such a drag! And I’m getting kinda anxious of what would be my stats for that week. Anyway, I’m at home, and guess what – such a Bum (as Mimi would brand it). When sleeping’s your only hobby in your routine, there is something WAY wrong with my system:

A new hobby – well, I would like that to take for serious consideration. It seems that I’m already tired of my previous hobbies, like MTG (Magic: The Gathering) and RO. I’m into DotA lately, but the flavor of the game depends on who do you compete with, and with my CTS batch mates at scrambled schedules, an arrangement of a game would be not feasible.

Social Life ver. 2.0 – Thinking about it, a set of new friends here at Dell wouldn’t hurt. With my current team, I think that it would be hard to establish such. The only person that I talk to is “Airsoft boy” and my RS, Elli. For the rest, it would be a challenge. Its not that I don’t want to make friends with them – its just that an unprecedented update to their team would be quite a thing that cannot be instantaneous. It takes time.

Sinking myself to work – The ONLY solution to my problem (if it’s a problem), so far. As I have stated in my previous entry, this is the ONLY thing that I am good at this stage.

If I do not find a way to cut this “vicious cycle”, I might end up doing the following:

Slacking off at work – my feared outcome of this process, caused by weeks and weeks of putting my time and devotion at work. I know that this may happen (JenJen describes), and this is not far from happening.

Being too overprotective to Mimi – (whoa, overprotective is already a statement, putting the word ‘too’ magnifies it to a level that I may not comprehend). Well, since I am looking for things to keep me busy, I might get on things that are beyond on what I should do. Lately, I think that Mimi’s getting quite a ‘queue’, and it may catch my attention to it… You know the rest. AND with the recent update (and my hunch) that she does have a suitor, it may trigger things in a bad way. Oh, great…

Well, to sum it up, I am more scared of how would this system would affect others rather than affect myself. A resolution should be made – and fast…

Which reminds me of an old fad…